Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Episode 84: How to Make a Martini

Okay, look, jackrabbits. I don't care how you like your martini. I don't care if you graduated from Mr. Boston's Bartending School for People Who Couldn't Get Real Jobs. I don't care how your father did it. I don't care how Don Draper on Mad Men does it. If there's no vermouth in the thing, it ain't a martini. The end, wrap it up with a bow and smoke it. Don't give me that "I just glance at the vermouth bottle." First off, it isn't really funny, even when you do that smarmy wink thing. Second off, a martini without vermouth in it isn't a cocktail at all. It's just a very cold shot of gin. Which as we all know is what hoboes drink. Vermouth makes you James Bond; lack of vermouth makes you Jack Nicholson in Ironweed. And if you have just recently enjoyed a "chocotini," congratulations on your upcoming diabetic coma. Too bad you're gonna die without having had a real martini. And don't even get me started on this vodka martini nonsense sweeping the nation one Applebee's at a time. Gah, I need a drink.