Saturday, May 4, 2013

Episode 109: How to Get a Job

Oh, I know! I'm the last person who should dispense advice about this. Or at least that's what my sister, sitting upstairs pecking at her iPad pretending to be on is thinking!  Hi Meg!

Getting a job is hard. My first job was dispensing ice cream cones at Opryland USA, a long-gone amusement park where I had to wear a double-breasted VEST in shades of yellow and olive (with red trim) and since I was positioned at a shop in the front of the park, I had to give a lot of directions. "Across the bridge and to the left!" was all I ever said; the park was circular....they'd eventually get there.

My third job was at a natural foods store in Memphis - I worked in the kitchen and let me tell you...vegetarian is one thing. Healthy is another. Because we put ten pounds of butter and/or sour cream in EVERYTHING. Even smoothies, I think. So ha ha vegan weirdos!  Also? I was so poor during this period that I ate a baked potato every day as my only meal. The big miracle is that I didn't crap French fries on a daily basis.

My fifth job was as an assistant manager at Waldenbooks. One time I had to tape all the windows because Hurricane Hugo was coming. Based on the inventory of the store, I couldn't blame him for wanting to blow the windows in. Show me fifty copies of "Dianetics" and "The Shell Seekers" and I'd want to go on a highly windy killing spree myself.

My seventh job was at a restaurant where I made three hundred dollars a night waiting tables. But somehow I only got home with about fifty. You can see how this happened on the upcoming show "Law & Order: DG, WTF?"

My tenth job involved me photo-editing and doing graphic design for a respected online news magazine. They fired me, so y'all can quit reading it now!

My new job has me in a kitchen again - full circle! - though not dipping ice cream. I'm making marshmallows and let me tell you....that shit is NUTS. Who knew you could do such a thing?

Anyway: there's jobs, y'alls. Go get one!


Anonymous said...

Look who's back just moments before Google Reader disappears and takes him with it!

Scott McElhinnie said...

Thus one is very funny!

harada57 said...
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