Thursday, September 11, 2008

Episode 57: How to Stalk a Celebrity

I know, I know. You're thinking to yourself "gosh, after just learning how to use a fake ID I wonder if I can use those same skills to manufacture an all-access backstage pass to Suzanne Somers' upcoming county fair performance!" Devoted reader, I advise against it mainly because it's simply easier to just outright stalk a celebrity in his or her natural setting. In the case of Miss Somers, I suggest you start hanging around the Dairy Queen; she's surely due for her shift any time now.

Anyway, as I'm sure you can imagine, living in Nashville does have its advantages. Did you hear my eyes roll? One of them is that a lot of celebrities are here and I always enjoy seeing them doing mundane things. It's funny to see Emmylou Harris at Target looking at clock radios, which I did one time. Or Nicole Kidman enjoying a nourishing hot bowl of steam at a local bistro, which I have also seen. Tipper Gore - soon after the 2000 White House loss - once looked over my shoulder as I operated the computer at a restaurant. She seemed interested, but then maybe she was trying to figure out where her next paycheck was coming from and perhaps thought she should brush up on her skillset. Bonus feature: the valet reported that she was listening to an Usher cd in her car. I've managed to be in the same room as both Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin (though not at the same time), thus inching me closer to the 9 to 5 trifecta. One Jane Fonda to go.

I waited on River Phoenix one year to the day before he died. He was with that snooty Samantha Mathis and it was the Halloween shift and I was dressed as a Sprocket (remember when Mike Myers was funny? Gosh, that seems so long ago!). He didn't laugh a single time at any of my touch-my-monkey jokes, but perhaps he was not a Sprockets fan. However he was a militant vegetarian and ordered everything all crazy complicated and we were super busy so I sort of forgot to write any of that down and when his pasta dish came out, he ate it all up, slurp slurp slurp, even though there were about two cups of chicken stock in it. And there's your Psychopedia lesson for the day: avoid canned chicken stock. It's a gateway drug that will eventually lead to your eventual heroin overdose on the Sunset Strip.


Kitt said...

How timely. I just read this:

The Boston Archdiocese says a priest accused of stalking Conan O’Brien has checked himself out of a medical facility against Cardinal Sean O’Malley’s wishes.

The Rev. David Ajemian pleaded guilty in April to disorderly conduct after admitting he sent letters and DVDs to the NBC late-night TV host. In one of the letters, he called himself one of O’Brien’s “most dangerous fans.”

After his plea, he was told by O’Malley to remain indefinitely at an unidentified residential treatment facility.

The archdiocese said it was told Thursday that Ajemian left the facility. It said it was a violation of his priestly vows to disobey O’Malley, and Ajemian can to longer function as a priest.

Katharine Weber said...

Like he was "functioning" before he disobeyed the Cardinal.

Kay said...

If I were to see Emmy Lou Harris shopping for clock radios at Target I think I might just die.