Thursday, January 22, 2009

Episode 73: How to Fart Discreetly

When I was in the third grade in Goldsboro, North Carolina, I had a teacher named Mrs Larkin. She was an older African American lady who dressed up to come to class every day, in jewel tone pantsuits with giant artificial corsages that matched her costume. She wore her glasses on a chain around her neck. I suppose in today's world, she would be thought of as "eccentric," but no, really she was just insane.

One time she accused me of cheating on an art project (an art project!) because I spelled "Halloween" correctly on a Happy Halloween poster and she didn't think a third grader would know how to spell "Halloween" correctly so I got in trouble for that but I think the real reason was because she had spelled it wrong on the chalkboard and I corrected her spelling on my own project. That was the same week buck-toothed Rebecca Smith stabbed me in the wrist with a lead pencil. It was a very trying Autumn.

Mrs Larkin also could not abide the idea of anyone "passing gas" (I guess she thought she was being classy saying it that way) in her classroom. So she made a big deal about reminding us EVERY DAY that if we were going to feel the pressing need to do such a thing, we were to raise our hands and tell her we were about to do it - and we had to say "pass gas," no other vulgar terms, thankyouverymuch - after which she would allow us to walk over to the classroom door and stick our derrières (again, classy) out into the hallway and then and only then could we "release." That's what she said, "release."

Well you can imagine what a whole bunch of third graders thought about that. Up and down all the livelong day so we could fart into the hallway, even if we didn't really have to. And once one person had asked, there was a parade of twenty more arms shooting into the air so we could all go giggle our way across the classroom and "release."

Anyway. Mrs. Larkin. She was one mean old biddy.


Lisa said...

And never fart in an elevator! Because then the doors open and people get on and everyone knows it was you.

scott said...

Your father once told me about turning 60 "Never trust a fart after 60, son. They lie!"

DG Strong said...

This might need to be a two-parter!

Tana said...

How unfortunate it is to go into a stinky airplane restroom (who's resting? Not the person who farted and made the stinky poops before you!), and have the prior occupant's smell linger through your quick business.

You come out, not smelling like a rose, and want to drag the next occupant up the aisle to point out the stinker who preceded you.

I've been there!

(Dog farts smell completely different from human farts, that's why not to blame the dog. Unless you actually eat burned tires and kibble.)

Grady Highberry said...

my kid crapped in his pants when the teacher was bossy. totally worked, she has not been bossy ever since.