Monday, July 28, 2008

Episode 44: How to Start a Collection of Something

Everybody collects something. Dolls, baseball cards, addictions. Whatever, everyone's got something. I once looked at a house for sale that had an entire room turned over to Barbie dolls in their original boxes, stacked on top of each other, floor to ceiling, wall to wall. Which is mainly an indicator of a lousy real estate agent if you ask me...those should have been the first things out of that house when they put it on the market.

Anyway. I used to have a friend back in the olden days who killed someone in a drunk driving accident. He was driving too drunk and too fast down a boulevard and clipped someone getting out of their car, and the victim was thrown some crazy long way and died instantly. I know, it's a terrible story. My friend kept driving but someone with a cell phone was following him and called the police and finally the police caught up with him several neighborhoods later. He was yanked out of his yellow Chevrolet Malibu and the car was searched quite thoroughly. When the police pried open the trunk, they were quite interested to see that it was full of serial killer biographies - like fifty of them. Paperback copies of Helter Skelter, the Jeffrey Dahmer story, and Ted Bundy's and Richard Speck's and on and on. And also (to coincidentally tie it together with the first paragraph!) a bunch of doll parts. A big pile of them. Now of course, having serial killer books and dismembered dolls doesn't make you guilty of anything per se, but consider this a cautionary tale. When my friend went to trial, those serial killer books kept coming up as "evidence" of something sinister and in his closing argument, the prosecutor brought them up at least three times and I remain convinced that they affected his sentence (guilty, almost four years, he served the full sentence and was denied parole every time he came up for it). So be careful about what you collect - or more importantly, where you display the collection; it could come back to haunt you and you could end up in the slammer. Think about that the next time you pick up a Precious Moments snow globe.

6 comments:

Ellie said...

My mother collects angel statues. I hate them and fear that she will be in charge of valuing them and then they will somehow be lumped into my portion of the estate.

Leah said...

I would add "Don't Tell Anybody What You Collect", otherwise you'll get a lot of crappy stuff from people with really bad taste. Every year. On your birthday.

DG Strong said...

That's true. I have a friend with 106,429 ceramic chickens and all but 6 were gifts. She never should have told anyone.

Meg said...

That IS true. That's how I ended up with a box of 25 hippos to give away. But then, I wouldn't have the Jonathan Adler hippo. So, I guess it evens out.

Lisa said...

And: Don't let anyone come over to your house and see that you have arranged three of anything next to each other, because then word will be out that you "collect" them.

I do not collect duck decoys. I don't. Two of them technically aren't even decoys.

Titus said...

If anyone were to notice my stack of outstanding bills, do you think they would add to that collection or perhaps, maybe, help out?