Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Episode 46: How to Go on Vacation

Faithful readers, I hope you are all sitting down and I hope you have bomb shelters full of cans of Dinty Moore beef stew, Fanta Orange soda and Little Debbie Oatmeal pies, because I have some bad news: The Psychopedia is going on a two-week hiatus. Yes, it seems I have run out of things to tell you to how to do. Hahahahah! No, don't fear! I will never run out of things to tell you to do, trust me. Why just this morning, I felt an uneasy vibration from a general westerly direction while I was in the shower and I was fairly certain that it was caused by someone somewhere putting toilet paper on the holder incorrectly, so right there in my bathroom I wrote "How to Put Toilet Paper on the Thing" on my mirror with toothpaste so as not to forget to write that one up when I got the chance. I don't always come up with them in bars - contrary to popular belief - and when a cocktail napkin isn't readily available, a mirror and toothpaste just have to do.

I'll be visiting the following states: California, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansas, so I should have a lot of How Tos ready for you when I get back. Look for:

How to Not Burn Up in a Forest Fire
How to Visit a Bordello
How to Have Eight Wives
How to Prank Call the Focus on the Family People
How to Not Fall Asleep While Driving
How to Get the Hell Out of Oklahoma as Fast as Possible
and How to Get Out of Arkansas Even Faster

...all when I get back. Feel free to go back into the archives and study up on some of the classics Episodes you might have missed. I would hate to get a bad vibration while on vacation because you boiled an egg incorrectly.


Elizabeth M. said...

You're going to turn this blog into a job if you're not careful.

Lisa said...

You'll have a blogjob! Don't read that too fast.

Signed, Twelve Years Old 4-Ever

DG Strong said...

That's okay, Lisa. I went to a AAA baseball game where the opposing team was The Beavers and ohmygoodness, my inner 12-year old ran rampant for nine innings. We beat the beavers. We pounded the beavers. We stuck it to the beavers. We screwed the beavers. We split the beavers. You name it, we did it to the beavers.

groovygrrl said...

DG, I cannot tell you how much I would LOVE to meet you. Kitt lives in Denver, too ( She's the one who told me about your hilarious blog.

Come to the Old South Pearl Street farmer's market on a Sunday, from 9am-1pm. On Pearl street, between Iowa and Florida. I'm the one in front of the murder book shop, selling soap. :)


Gina Hyams said...

Safe travels to you. This blog is freakin' funny.