Episode 30: How to Be Patriotic

Once many years ago, my sister and I decided to go downtown to see the big symphony-accompanied July 4th fireworks show. We stopped by Kentucky Fried Chicken and each got a little picnic box (breast, drumstick, mashed potatoes and biscuit) and then we walked the 12 or so blocks from our house to the riverbank, where there were 100,000 other chicken-greased fireworks fans baking in the hot sun. You really had to get there early, so by the time the fireworks started at 9, you were exhausted and you were ready for them to be over like the very second they started so you could just leave.

Anyway, on the blanket next to us were a pair of redneck ladies and after about three hours, their dates showed up, shirtless and drunk and berating everyone within hearing distance for not being patriotic enough because we didn't WOOOOOOOO every time a firework exploded, which was of course every half second or so. And then one of them stood on his cooler and gave everybody the finger. Now that's the scene they should be putting on the back of money, not that Declaration signing, if you ask me. Then one of the ladies said to him "Rupert, these people didn't come down here to watch you act a fool! Sit your ass down!" And then, in unison, everyone around them WOOOOOOOOOOOed at last.

So, la la la, happy 4th of July. You'll just have to imagine that I'm giving you the finger. Which I totally am.