Episode 22: How to Use the U-Scan®

Well I don't know about the grocery store in your neighborhood, but visiting the one in mine is like a trip back in time. Like say to when monkeys ruled the earth and there was only one kind of fruited yogurt. I have no idea what the job requirements are for the various positions at my local bodega, but I am fairly sure the checklist includes the following questions: "Are you fluent in mumble?" "Do you have anything to wear other than the orange jumpsuit with the numbers on it?" "Do you promise to not learn what any vegetables other than potato chips are?" Because once, when I was buying beets? The charming cross-eyed no-doubt seventeen year-old mother of two behind the register asked me "are these for eating or are they for planting?" "Whichever is cheaper," I replied flatly, followed by a solid seven minutes of dumbfounded silence. I don't know what she thought they were....ground apples? Dirt grapes? Over-the-top potatoes?

Anyway. When the U-Scan® arrived at my grocery, I was overwhelmed with excitement at never having to put up with human interaction at the grocery store again! Until I deduced about ten seconds into it that the people in line now using the U-Scan® comprised the very same pool of talent from which the aforementioned employees were drawn. And not a single one of them can follow the instructions that the machines are speaking aloud. So! Be careful what you wish for, or you'll end up behind the guy in the U-Scan® line who can't even operate a blunt spoon, much less this high-tech piece of whatnot.



Special thanks to the, oh, eight different people who suggested this.